Sex and intimacy without an erection

If you suffer from erectile dysfunction (ED), your sex life will probably be different than it used to be. This can be frustrating or frustrating for you and your partner. But if you keep an open mind, you can find new and exciting ways to form camaraderie together.

“People often have an idea of ​​what is being socially communicated in the media: That sex means you have an erection, there is penetrative orgasm, and it ends with orgasm. Tamika Harris-Jackson, PhD, a certified sex educator in Winter Park, Fla., tells SELF. Sex is much broader than that.

Erectile dysfunction means that you cannot get an erection some of the time or all of the time, or long enough to have penetrative sex. But it is still possible to reach orgasm and ejaculate without an erection.

First, talk to your doctor. They need to know the cause of your erectile dysfunction. Health problems such as heart disease and type 2 diabetes may be the cause. So do some mental health conditions, such as anxiety and depression. Some medications, including blood pressure medications and antidepressants, can also lead to ED.

Once a health condition has been ruled out, you and your partner can begin to explore what your new sex life might be like.

Knowing the cause of your erectile dysfunction can alleviate any fear your partner may be feeling, says Madeline Esposito Smith, MD, a certified sex therapist and mental health physician at University of Wisconsin Health in Madison. “One of the first things I recommend to the men I work with is simply communicate to their partners that this is nothing personal. This is not something they are doing wrong.”

Eric Garrison agrees. He is the chair of the credentialing arm of the American Association of Sexuality Educators and a certified sexuality counselor in Tidewater, Virginia. “When you become an expert on your sexual health and sexual pleasure, and you can share that with others, it really helps the conversation,” he says.

An open conversation with your partner can be great for your relationship. But they can also make you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable, says Christine Leela, a certified sex therapist and licensed clinical social worker in Omaha, Nebraska. You say it’s important for your partner not to judge you. If they only want sex with an erection, both of you may benefit from working with a sex therapist who can help you both broaden your horizons.

Talk to each other about what excites you and makes you happy, even if you’ve been together for years.

“Really take your time figuring out: What do you like? What do I do that makes you feel good with penis and vagina or penis and anus?” Harris Jackson says.

If you still get erections sometimes, tell your partner what feels good when you have them — and what feels good when you don’t, says Garrison. “You can easily say, ‘When I have an erection, I like this, this, and this.'” At times when an erection does not occur, I like to lick my ear, rub my elbow, and massage my left toe…”

The intimacy-building exercise called sensual focus can help you and your partner get a better idea of ​​where and how you might be touched. In therapy sessions, a couple experienced the exercise fully clothed, touching each other from the neck up. “It’s a really intimate experience, but it doesn’t necessarily focus on sex, and for some people it’s comforting and connecting.”

You and your partner can practice sensual focus with a therapist who guides you, or you can try it at home, says Harris-Jackson. “The goal is to learn to explore each other’s bodies. Take time to caress and kiss and express to each other how you feel without penetration, without oral sex, so there is no pressure on anyone to have an erection.”

Start simple if you prefer: You can rekindle intimacy by holding hands, kissing, or cuddling in the nude.

Or maybe you and your partner are ready for more adventurous options, such as oral sex, mutual masturbation, or sex toys.

If you want to explore sex toys (like a vibrator or a dildo) but aren’t comfortable about going to a store that sells them, surf the Internet with your partner, says Lilla. It’s important to shop together, she says, “rather than feeling like it’s someone’s job or that one person places that expectation on the other.”

If your partner wants to try a sex toy and you don’t, suggest an alternative, she says. You could say something like, “Well, I don’t feel comfortable using a sex toy, but maybe we can try cuddling naked or maybe we can take a shower together.”

It’s possible. “Sometimes people refer to it as the ‘stuffing method,’ where a flaccid penis is placed inside,” Leela says. “It’s probably easier with the vaginal canal than it is with the anus.”

Try not to think about what sex felt like, and make sure it’s comfortable for both partners, Harris-Jackson says.

Explore pleasing each other in new ways. It helps to “remove that goal-oriented or goal-driven idea that ‘we should have penetrative sex that leads to orgasm,'” says Harris-Jackson.

Instead, focus on how to make the scale fun, rather than the performance, says Esposito-Smith.

Or as Garrison puts it: “How do we improve sex rather than how do we maximize it?… I think if more people could get that in their minds, sex would be more pleasurable for everyone, whether you have an erection or not.”